Each day with me is like a drug induced, chaotic self-war of internal anarchy. One day I am confident that I can conquer every wish and crazy demand and the next I proclaim my stake to inferior beliefs and destructive habitual patterns. At times I break down and plead to my guides to save me, and other moments I confess my absolute elation of gratitude. A constant tug-of-war of highs and lows that I like to refer to as my self ruled government. ( an organized democracy it is not!)
I truly feel sorry for the guide that was assigned to look after my soul. She must shake her head and throw her hands to the heavens continually for having to deal with me.
The past couple of days have been extremely hard for me. My bills are piling up, creditors are calling me and the harder I profess my stake to riches, the more desperate I become......and oh yes.....yes, my dear audience I have been here before. In fact this very time last year I sat on that meditation pillow and begged the heavens to save me. Throwing my hands in the air I told them I could not do it anymore and I give up.....oh how many times I have been here!!!
So how is it that knowing in every fiber of my body that I need to focus on abundance rather than lack to get what I need....but I cannot seem to get past this state of disappointment and desperation?? Like a mix tape forever looping in my head, all I can hear is "You have made zero progress in an entire year"......"I am so broke"...."How will I ever pay these bills"....why can I not manifest? Gee, probably because my DESPERATE plea for money, sends to the universe more DESPERATION for money. But I still can't make it stop.
In absolute tears this morning I pleaded to the heavens to help. Please oh please make this desperation stop. Please oh please help me out of this horrible 80's mix tape.....and then it happened.
Pissed off, saddend, desperate, frustrated, disappointed and effing angry, I tried very hard to lift myself out of this all too familiar self pity. But thank God for those guides that have to look after us. No matter what they never give up on us, and they never fail us, no matter how ridiculous we behave, and how much we annoy them! Today they sent a vendor into my office and he handed me a much needed booklet. He said "God told me to give this to you."
As I flipped open the booklet I saw:
"I tell my people they can have what they say, but they are saying what they have......Too many people use the words of their mouth to hold themselves in bondage. But speak from the heart, and it will produce liberty..."
Thank-you my angels for looking after me. Thank-you for not giving up on me, and despite my constant loop tape of what is, I will continue trying to manifest what can be.....
Love and light Amanda
images: Smoke gets in my third eye