One of my favorite quotes from the book Eat, Pray, Love is: "I am not asking for life to be easy, I am just asking for it to not be so hard!" Boy, did I resonate with that! The past couple of years have been challenging to say the least. However, in light of my cynical opinion on this journey to enlightenment there were valuable lessons learned.
During my trek through the emotional roller coaster I like to call lack, anger, frustration, and every negative thought imaginable, I was feverishly meditating and focusing on what I thought I wanted. I devoted an old scrap book to magazine clippings which I deemed my vision board of desires. I chanted mantras, lit incense, focused on the things I desired and pretended as if they had happened. I went as far as begging....yup things got pretty low, and I still was unable to manifest. Why did "that" person do all the same things as me, and get entirely different results.....BETTER more positive results? Why was "that" persons dreams coming true and I wasn't even able to manifest a sandwich, let alone a car!?
I started this roller coaster of emotional pandemonium five years ago. At that point in my life things were pretty good. I was making a damn good living working out of my house, I was considerably happy but meditation was merely a shallow exploration for more material things....that I did not need. But in late 2007 early 2008 a massive shift started to occur in my life. Everything started to go wrong. Clients were unruly and difficult, money was scarce and I unwittingly decided that if I expanded my company things would magically get better......but they didn't.
As I entered into 2009, my husband was out of work, all of my jobs had dried up or went away due to the economy and all the money that I had worked hard for (but easily acquired) was gone. To make matters worse I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in March, and the family pet of 12 years was diagnosed with diabetes. I swear to holy heaven every time I thought it couldn't get worse...it did!
Things continued to spiral out of control. Around every corner was another catastrophe or another fire to put out. I just couldn't get a break. My life was falling apart and I needed the salvation of meditation more than ever before, but it fell on deaf ears. I was nothing more than a shell on auto pilot, I moved from one event to another in survival mode and I was angry and pissed off that the universe would not help me.......I felt that I was doing everything right. Focusing, meditating, visualizing and in return I got zero results.
Fast forward to now. It has been one hell of a journey. And I am no where near being done. I am still cleaning up the aftermath of what truly feels like going to hell and back, but for the first time in three years, I actually feel that change is occurring for the better. I finally feel like I am crawling out of the hole. Albeit slow, I can honestly say that I finally understand the purpose of meditation and going into it with loving intention. In the past I was going into my meditation space angry, frustrated, and pissed off which made me associate that space with those feelings subconsciously, every time I entered! And those feelings would continue while I tried to silence my mind because I felt that way.....I had no idea the fatal results of my thoughts, and feelings. I had no idea that wanting abundance on one hand and being frustrated on the other was confusing my chaotic energy into disorganized mayhem. How on earth can the universe understand such gibberish?
While some may shy away from the act of meditating, there are many forms and practices that can benefit us all. Meditation should be approached with intention and love. It is about silencing your mind and honoring the ritual. Even if you only slice out seven minutes of your day to do it, you will feel transformed. Try to do it in the same place ever day. It programs your mind and helps you get calm very quickly when in that sacred space. Think loving thoughts, focus on your feet, legs, thighs and continue to work up your body. Focus on your breath and count. What ever you have to do to shut down for a moment.
Meditation helps ground you. It slows you down, and you think better. You make better decisions and it really helps put things in perspective. I meditate everyday. The ritual alone puts me in a quiet space where I can reflect on things that are important to me. It has helped me get away from anger, and desperation and replaced it with love, wholeness, and trust. Although it truly was a long road trip to wholeness, the most important thing is I did not give up. Try it, honor it, and believe in the power of creation within you.
Love and Light
images: Dangerous creation, elizabeth gilbert, no limits, doctor exclusive
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